No Words, Only Tears

Today is mother’s day. A day that is painful, knowing I’ll never celebrate this day because of a choice that I made.

It hurts so very much.

And I know, one day that it will be all okay. One day.

I miss you.

但是有如果还是要爱你

Dear Dave,

Your first message to me today - 早安，亲爱的

I was surprised, and I have that warm, fuzzy feeling. I smiled all the way to work.

During noon, you asked me why I make you fall for me again, and this is worrying you.

Is falling for me such a bad thing? Am I really that undeserving for you?

I’m not a slut nor a whore, not even close to a playgirl.

This hurts.

Yours truly,
Grace

好想你

Dear Dave,

"Why do you miss me?" You asked.

"You cannot miss me la." You said.

Is that even a legit question?

I miss you the moment I open my eyes in the morning.
I miss you when I am getting ready for work.
I miss you when I put on my make-up.
I miss you when I am driving.
I miss you when I am working.
I miss you when I am eating.
I miss you when I am showering.
I miss you when I am sleeping, because you appear in my dreams.
I miss you even when I see you.

Get it yet?

So don't tell me I cannot miss you, ok?

"每次當我一說我好想你你都不相信, 但卻總愛問我有沒有想你"

Missing you,
Grace

He's the Reason for the Teardrops on my Guitar

Dear Dave,

You don’t need to know magic to remove my tears.

Simply because.

You are the cure to my tears.

Love,
Grace

Heathens

Dear Dave,

The weather is really hot these days, and everyone is falling sick. Touch wood, not me. Sharifah and Fiza is down with a bad flu and sore throat. I gave them each vitamin C to drink, and gave Sharifah the flu and fever medicine. Asyraf was like, Dr. Grace and Fiza was like, illegal doctor ni. Haha.. I guess the medicine that I always carry with me is not for me, they are for other people. I actually don’t mind doing that, and I have been doing this since university time. Inherited this from dad, he probably freak out if he knows I feed other people the medicine he gave me. But hey, if it’s not consume, it’ll expire. So why let it go to waste? Heh.

Went and watched Ready Player One with Izzy at Paradigm Mall. Boy, the movie is really good! I think it would be super awesome to watch it in 3D or motion. And you literally feel that you are in the movie. I’m pretty sure everyone in the cinema felt the same, as everyone is so engaged. Haha! There was this kiss scene like finally, and everyone went “awww...” Which me and Izzy was like what the hell. Hahaha. And then there’s this scene where there’s extra life, and everyone including us went like woo ohh. At the end of the movie, everyone actually clapped their hands. Hahaha. We have ourselves a good laugh and a good time tonight.

Only devastating news is, you are coming back on the same weekend I am going to Penang. 😢 WHYYYYY.  😭😭😭

Sad die me,
Grace

We All Got Bruises

Dear Dave,

As I was sitting at the garden with Greedy, I looked up to the sky and saw a plane flew through. Tears rolled down as I remember tracking you flying back to Singapore from Penang, your plane flew over my house.

Today you said the sweetest thing ever. You said, “No one can fulfill my desire like you do.” As if it’s not enough, you added on to say, “Really de. Don’t think there’s anyone in this world that can have better sex with me.”

It’s bitterly sweet.

And now, you are asking me to share a Singapore property investment with you.

It almost feels like there’s a hook in my heart, and each time it got pulled, my heart ripped a little. Painful but not out. I actually felt this excruciating pain on my heart while doing the dishes, that I have to stop and hold my hands to my heart to ease the pain.

Psychological heart attack?

I told dad the other day, if I do not have any commitment in this life, if I got seriously ill or involved in a to-save-or-not-to-save situation, I rather not be treated/saved. I asked him not to waste the money on saving or treating me, and just let me go in peace. I understand human spent a lot of money to stay alive, because they have people in life that are waiting for them at home. It’s not that I don’t consider my family, but hey they’ll survive. Everyone will.

Another day passed, feeling empty inside. But thank you for making me melt, even if it’s just for a while. 😊

Love,
Grace

有你在，什么都无畏

Dear Dave,

You asked me yesterday, why am I still so nice to you after you hurt me a few hours ago. The answer is simple.

Because, I love you.

Loving you means to love you unconditionally. If I can’t accept  even a tiny flaw, I’m not fit to say those three words.

I lost my appetite again. How is that even possible when I’m doing intermittent fasting and already eating lesser than usual. This afternoon after lunch, feeling nauseous till the late evening. I nearly miss my dinner time, which I’m not even hungry by the way. I hardly ate any food, just merely finishing up the veggie and fish. And, I am still feeling nauseous. I really feel like crying.

Actually I think I will. Crying is part of my daily routine now. Haha. (Still can laugh.)

You told me about how you appreciate people doing things for you when you are sick, and it dawned on me why you still feel so hurt about what happened many years ago. The truth is, for the past few years, I wasn’t sure about us and there were times I really did gave us up. I remember a time where I was so reluctant to even talk to you, let alone to go out and have a meal with you. But whenever you came back, you somehow have a way to make me fall for you over and over again.

Anyway, it’s not that I wanna give reason or excuse to write off what I have done to you. I’m sincerely sorry for leaving you alone when you were sick and needed somebody. I think I finally understand how hurt you must have felt and feel, that it dragged on for years, haunting you. I would too if I were you. I hope you can someday find in your heart to forgive me for what I did to you.

God, I’m a terrible person.

Remorsefully slapping myself,
Grace

In Pain

Dear Dave,

I can’t sleep. The beating marks on my bum have become bruises, and it seriously hurt.

But I guess nothing hurts more than the accusation you have on me. I did not sleep with him, and I told you a zillion times. Yet you choose not to believe me. Perhaps you will over my dead body.

Not only I’m crying non stop from few hours back, plus heartache, I’m having gastric now at the same time.

I don’t want to fight with you anymore. Cause if I die tomorrow, this is not the last thing I want between us.

Will my disappearance makes things better for you? To help you recover from the past hurts I have given to you. If yes, as painful as it is, I will do it. I am pretty lifeless now already, guess it doesn’t matter for another stab.

I still love you, even when I know you don’t anymore.

You don’t deserve someone so pathetic, who hangs on you like lifeline even after countless yet painful reminders.

I’m sorry for everything, but I know this is not enough for you. Still, I’m very sorry.

Let the Rain Fall Down

6.46am.

It’s raining out there, and I’m crying inside. All the way, from his place to to my house.

I just gave his jacket back to him. A piece of him that I have cuddled and sleep with the past two months. A piece where I can smell him and feel him around whenever I miss him so.

It’s gone now. I have nothing of him with me now.

It’s amazing how I manage to drive home, given that my mind is not on the road, my eyes blurred with tears. Though I have taken the same route each time, it feels awfully long and far this time.

Going back to bed with his scent still on me.

—————————————

因为，想他。

原来黑咖啡很好喝。

外面，还在下雨。

So is my tears.

——————————————

11.40pm.

The 4th time I’m crying today.

What is the most painful thing to do? Just so I can distract myself.

“The worst pain is to be in pain and realise you are still alive.”

Another Sleepless Night

It’s 12.19am and I can’t sleep. Been trying since 11pm.

Fuck it, I’m taking the other half of the xenax.

I wanna cry.

——————————————————

Updated:

I’m actually feeling quite down since yesterday. Even though my increment is 12%, but it’s not because of my hard work. It’s because big boss wanna close the huge salary gap between team leaders. How do I know? Because another team leader whose salary was 7 bucks more than me, got a Fully Meet, but get almost the same percentage than me. And her salary is now 8 bucks higher than me.

Congratulations Grace. You just worked your ass off and getting an Exceed Expectation for nothing. 🤦🏻‍♀️

So that’s why, I don’t work overtime lately. Go home sharp sharp after 8 hours because in the end, it doesn’t really matter (Haha, Linkin Park). People just don’t give a fuck.

I officially started intermittent fasting today! Woke up feeling super hungry, had a sip of apple cider which was quite awful, felt uncomfortable for an hour or sot, and then not feeling hungry at all. Wow, the apple cider is magic. Haha. I had my lunch at 1pm, so I can eat until 9pm tonight. It’s scary I’m not hungry now actually. 😅

And... one more working day to go for this week! 🎉